The truth behind this blog

I feel like i should tell you, why i actually started a blog. It's not like it's cool or anything, to make a blog about your life. Or what? I once had this teacher, he was kind of nice, and he only taught me, because i had a really bad depression when i was 12, and i couldn't sit with my class anymore, after coming back from a short period of time at another school, where shit didn't work out. Anyways, he only taught me, and i was in school like two hours a day, and i saw it as a huge things, because it was so overwhelming, and everyone said i didn't go to school, even though, those 2 hours were 15 in my head. He once told me to start a blog, or a chat group or something (aren't those only sexual?) or start running, and i told i didn't run, but what i didn't tell him, was that i only run away from my problems. So i run a lot. I should be in really good shape, but it wore me out. So it's time to come clean. But before that, let me tell the story until it's actually done. I told him i didn't want to start a blog, because i actually had one with my friend, we just didn't write on it (...) Anyways, i got some homework, that i barely made, and then he stopped sending it, because well, i was going to another school. Why you ask? Let me tell you.

I was going to this therapist, which didn't work out, so i went to a children's doctor, who then told me to go to a psychiatrist, and i was like my dad is a psychiatrist, and she was like yeah but no. And anyways, i started at this psychiatrist, and she was really nice, and in the start i only told her my story, a story i hate telling, mostly because i've told it some many times (this isn't that story), and as i began to trust her, i told more, and then she actually started helping me. Though, there are things i never told her. And i won't tell her, because i'm not seeing her anymore. Well. It's really hard to type actually. The thing i'm going to tell you. Which sounds ridicoulus, i know, but think about it; almost no one actually knows this, because i'm so scared of the world, and i'm telling the world. Think about it. And i should have been to bed like half an hour ago, so actually, screw you.

She gave me, burdened me, threw at me, the diagnose aspergers.

Am i going to post this?

I don't think so.

I am!!!

And let me just tell you, very quickly. I AM NOT LIKE SOME AUTISTIC PERSON, IM SERIOUS, I DON'T LIKE ANIME OR COSPLAY OR LOL OR SHIT LIKE THAT. I'm sorry all autistic people out there, for offending you, but you know, i don't care. Because apparently WE DON'T CARE. WHICH IS THE MOST SHIT LIE EVER, SICNE IT'S ALL I DO.

ALL THE TIME.

EVERY SECOND, I CARE SO MUCH IM FREAKING ABOUT TO THROW UP.

And yet, i have aspergers. Sure, i got a depression, and lost all my friends, and started getting interested in older men, and sure i once almost died because i drank a lot at a party, i wasn't invited to, and sure, i spend all my time with my dog and now this blog, and sure, i'm totally screwed up, but i'm not like other autistic people. I'm actually pretty normal. I like boys (men), i think about sex, i do stupid things, i love fashion, i like make-up, i like white wine and red and vodka, i'm really smart actually, i read John Green (i know i hate myself too), i hang out with other's, i flirt, i sleep a lot, i never ever ever ever ever play video games, and i don't know wierd facts about people. Or their birth date. Or their height. Or their parents name.

And yeah, i do go to a school for autistics now. And i have nothing in common with my classmates, and they hate me, because i lik clothes, and look cute, and actually like being clean. And because i don't smell like sweat and 14 straight in your bedroom without and daylight. There's one, who never gets out, so she had so get vitamin D another way. That's so fucked up, i don't believe anything else is more fucked up. But plenty is. I have nothing in common with these weirdos (so sorry, remember i'm one too i guess, in a denying, bitchy way), and the only one i had something in common with, ran off to high school, where i was supposed to go next year, but then nooooo, i'm not ready, because i have anxiety, and get scared of the world because my life is VERY VERY VERY VERY fucked up.

I drink to forget. The thing is, i don't drink that often. So i remember everything.

So yeah. If you hate me after this, i'm sorry. I'm a bitch. If you're confused, ask me a question, i'm an attention whore. At least that what it says in my file. Actually, i'm just desperatly searching for someone to be friends with, but everyone in the school, the school that makes that file, are dickheads. Even the teacher. To think, i'm almost sure they're more retarded than me.

Love,

Caché. Or me. Or the anonymous girl.

Ps if you can't read this, because my spelling was terrible, it's because i'm not correcting it, because i'm sucking tired, and just got back from France, where i spent my new years eve in bead, because i was sick. So yeah. Oh, and happy fucking new year. Believe it or not, this is the year i've chosen to be happy. And honest. Haven't been either of those, since i was like, 11.

#aspergers #autism #agegap #school #love #sex #vodka